It's Caitlin Time!

Dear Kid Trapped Under That Abandoned Boxcar,

My girlfriend recently broke up with me because I am not Jewish. Should I convert or find someone who’s happy with me as me?

Sincerely,

Heartbroken in Hattiesburg

Dear Heartbroken in Hattiesburg,

As we’ve been over many times, I am a kid trapped under that abandoned boxcar. I need help. I need water. I cannot help you with your romantic problems right now. You seem to know how to get letters to me. If you can secure my rescue, I assure you I will try to counsel you in affairs of the heart, though I hardly know why you think I am an expert. In fact, I ended up under this boxcar in pursuit of the love of a young woman (long story). In conclusion, please help.

Sincerely,

Kid Trapped Under That Abandoned Boxcar